Well, 2 false starts, one 9 hour boat trip to nowhere, 7 flights later, here I am alive and well after a trip of epic proportions.
My holiday kicked off in typical Russell fashion with some of the best, thickest sea fog I've ever seen disrupting my departure on Wednesday evening. Arriving at Ronaldsway, it was packed beyond belief and all flights 'delayed'. My nerves started kicking in. What if I didnt make it? I would miss my connection to Amurrica! If there were even any planes on the runway, I couldn't see them so after 20 mins, I jumped in a cab to the Sea Terminal. £20 it cost me....it was already turning out to be an asshole of a journey. On the boat, my spirits lifted however the nice man behind the bar told me to get to manchester I would have to wait for a bus at 2am or get a 2hr taxi. Errr...
I started frantically running around the boat asking random people for lifts but got nothing other than sympathy and that was about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit. As it happened, I didn't have to make a decision because the damned godforsaken piece of shit that doubles as the Ben-My-Chree couldn't dock because of the fog. Seriously? Technology allows us to go into space, replace lost limbs, create multicoloured tomatoes, but they couldn't land a boat. UNBELIEVABLE. And thus began the long trip home. I arrived back in Douglas after a pointless stinking 9 hours and was collected by my mother who deposited me next to the phone to begin making calls. I had 3 hours til my Seattle flight. As I should have anticipated given the shitness of my luck so far, neither Flybe or US Airways lines opened until 8am. What fucking use is that!!! I waited and waited and eventually got through to Flybe who put me on the 3pm flight that day (Now Thursday). Thankfully using my awesome powers of persuasion with US airways, they changed my flight for free to fly on Friday. This I was grateful for however I would need a hotel for the night...more money argh!
I managed to get away and booked myself into a hotel and got myself an early night. In the morning, I put the tv on and to my sheer horror saw that a US airways flight had an accident at Philadelphia the day before....exactly when I was initially due to be there. Fate intervening? I tentatively boarded the flight and watched all manner of oscar awards movies until I arrived at Philly. There I had a 4 hour wait which I spent wisely at the bar getting trashed.
As a Russell, I felt it was my duty to strike up some form of conversation with a random stranger. And that stranger was Ed Milewski...a Canadian business man of Polish descent. Ed was in his late 50's and had a thick Canadian accent and suffixed the majority of his sentences with 'ey' in true stereotypical Canadian fashion. This greatly amused me and I found it hard to concentrate on what we were talking about. I lost track of how many beers I had but realised it was time to stop when I mistook a bowl of chips I'd ordered, for crab. Yep. I was eating potato, believing it was crab. Potato and Crab are the same kind of meat though right? The waitress just looked at me and shook her head when I asked.
Boarding my flight to Seattle, I was for some reason expecting a short flight however it was another 6 hours and by the time I got there, the hangover was setting in, along with the jet lag, and lack of sleep. But the minute I set eyes on my 2 Murrrican buddies, I was wide awake and ready to partay!! it was 10pm so we headed to their apartment, bought some beer and got the bong out...and had a nice chilled catch up
Awake at the crack of dawn, I spent the next few hours watching an obscene amount of fannying on Ben and Amber's part...I decided to make myself useeful and get some mimosas on the go so went off to buy champers (at 9am in the morning haha)...after further fannyage, I couldnt fault their decision to take me to a cafe called Linda's for a great Bloody Mary and Mexican omelette. Afterwards, we walked into town where we caught the end of a St Paddy's parade (despite it being Saturday and 2 days early??). We hooked up with Ben's sister then who may or may not have been repeatedly offended all afternoon by mine and Amber's reference to everything vagina-like. The four of us queued up for a go on the ferris wheel down the pier. Ben asked me had I ever been on a ferris wheel...Okay I know I live on a small island but really I think these guys think I live in a frickin bubble. Of course I have! When I told him that I'd been on around 5 different wheels, he was very impressed and it became apparent that I was some kind of expert ferris wheeler and we debated the possibility of me making a living this way. The wheel offered some great views of Seattle and the three faces around me and we got some good pics.
Afterwards Ben's sister Ellie who volunteers at the Seattle Aquarium, sneaked us in through a side door so we could peer at silly otters, happy seals and awkward puffins. The effect of the mornings smoking began to rear its ugly head again which was cause for some great amusement in the small sea critters section as we poked our fingers in sea anenome bungholes, molested sea cucumbers and collapsed in giggle fits at all the primitive looking sex organ-like sea dildos floating around. It was a great, well spent afternoon! One that could only be topped with a visit to a local burlesque/drag club later on
We booked tickets for the can-can club with enthusiasm and after a lazy evening headed down there for the midnight showing. We were shown to a small room, and sat near the front of the stage where Ben tried unsuccesfully to look as inconspicuous as possible. He was clearly terrified at the thought he may be used as some kind of prop by one of the girls. As it happened, the girls, as beautiful as they were, we shit at dancing. I mean, truly truly awful. One of them just wiggled and bounced repeatedly over and over again, and the other one who looked a bit like lady gaga, went for some 'edgy' all over the place, sprawling arms and legs everywhere rountine. It was kind of scary. The best act of the night was 'Luminous', a skinny black guy in the most amazing drag outfits. He moved better than both of the girls, and had a damn fine ass The most entertaining person of the night however was an unsuspecting drunk bachelorette on her hen do. I have NEVER seen anyone THIS pissed before. I mean, she was bad. Really bad. She was barely conscious as her friends carried her in and flopped her onto a chair, had absolutely no idea what was going on around her, and kept falling backwards and losing complete consciousness. How they let her in I do not know. The entire audience was cheering for her at one point but she had little to no idea! I had to go tot he bathroom after the show and was greeted by the drunken Hen with her knickers round her ankles and her face cream in the toilet bowl.
The following day, I again rose early and the fannying began again, however this time Ben made up for it by producing one of his awesome omelettes,...nom! We later hit Value Village, in which some of the music vid for Thrift Shop was filmed, bought a load of crap in there, then stopped for a bloody mary complete with cheeseburger on a toothpick at Sams. It was a welcome break and after another couple of shops, we bought a bottle of Jamesons and divided this into hipflasks each ready for our crazy 'Ride the Ducks' trip. Ride the Ducks is one of those tourist things where you are taken on a bus tour of the city, then as if by magic, the bus becomes a boat and takes you for a trip on the water. Already a little tipsy, we headed to the pickup point next to the space needle and on we got. Amber was absolutely hammering the whiskey and finished her flask in no time. She started eventually getting a bit rowdy much to my amusement. There was singing, wailing and arms flailing around, and many a sideways glance exchanged between myself and Ben, confirming that her drunkenness hadn't gone unnoticed It was insanely fun and if you check my facebook, I have a couple of hysterical videos of said drunkenness. I enjoyed every minute. It was Christmas. The only bad thing was that there were no toilet stops and Ben and I looked at eachother in horror when Amber (who was sat on his knee) told him she couldnt hold onto her wee....needless to say we made it however and treated ourselves to an all American Macdonalds after. Mostly to soak up all the alcohol. Later that evening we were supposed to dine in the Space Needle so we wanted to be on good form and Amber was already repeating herself and generally being a menace.
- ***"Let me have some of your hipflask" "I can't Amber, it's all gone." "No! Are you serious??! I dont believe you" X 10****
We went for a walk and Ben suggested we drop into his (empty) office and steal some of the booze from the kitchen. Amber continually rejected this idea over and over until Ben made it bluntly clear 'YOU CAN HAVAE FREE ALCOHOL IF WE GO THERE'....'Dammit Ben why didnt you say you buttmunch?!' So off we went. There was alcohol there, and nibbles but by now our meal was only 2 hours away and we'd just had MacDonalds. This was already sounding bad enough to me, but Amber kept throwing it in there that we had to also get 'seafood happy hour' before dinner. WHAT?! Was she mad? No, apparently this is a running theme in Amber-land. You go for food, then you have a meal. No wonder obesity is rife in the USA :P Clearly we refused point blank to get a seafood happy hour whatever the hell that was, but then had to endure the pissy mood that followed through not having seafood happy hour. After a wander around the shops and a quick monorail transfer, we were at the space needle and Amber seemed to have sobered up. The resturant was stunning and continually rotated (though not at a sickening pace) and we tried to order the cheapest things on the menu along with a bottle of the cheapest wine for Amber and I. It was a great night, made even more hilarious by the ridiculous conversation between a still-drunken Amber, and the Swahili taxi driver...something like this ... "So you had dinner in the needle?" "Yes, we are from Seattle but we've never had dinner in the Seattle before"... ._. FAIL. Ah it was hilarious...silly drunken Amber!
hAPPY sT pATRICK'S dAY!!!!
Ben was in work for the day but I had a hungover Amber to take care of and some coffee and a bagel would be curing that (after the usual god awful faffing that undoubtedly ensued that morning Eventually we were out, and we had a nice little walk before hitting the goodwill stores on Broadway, ,including Red Light which also featured in Thrift Shop vid ...the best purchase of the day was my penis-goggles which we bought from a strange man in a sex shop. The strange man asked if we would like him to demonstrate a new state-of-the-art electrocution device...we of course accepted and he proceeded to electrocute us using varying appendages over the next ten minutes. It was great, but not $159.99 great. Conituning our shopping, I purchased 2 vagina lolly-pops and the penis goggles. The strange man became even more odd when putting these through the register, staring blankly at both of us for a good 30 seconds, just not doing anything. Maybe he was part of a cult or something. I let Amber go back to the flat for a rest and continued shopping for something green to wear for the night. I managed a dress and a hat and when I got back, we watched a bit of tv and got ready for the night. Ben and Amber's friend Mo came over and together we started taking bong hits and whiskey shits - A fine combination! Amber was determined to get me drunk that night, to mask how awfully drunk she had been the previous night
We stopped for some Korean food then hit the bars. Dont ask me where we went, Amber succeeded in her task and I offended numerous people with my penile-glasses and drunken antics. It was a great night and it seemed like we were all ready to leave, however it soon became apparent that Amber was on a rampage again and said she'd meet us back at the flat after a few more. Well I dont know how her night ended whilst she was out but I was rudely awoken in the early hours of the morning when my ass was used as a chair by a very drunk and wailing Amber. All the lights were on and she was muttering like a mad woman. I asked her if she was ok but she didnt seem to hear me. I assumed she was on drugs and swiftly fell back asleep. I was however woken again with further shrieking and the constant movement of someone jumping into bed, getting out again, going to the bathroom, going to the bedroom, back to the bathroom and so on. By about 4am Ben finally woke up and asked what the hell she was doing...again no response. Towards what I expect was about 5 or 6am, it seems something exploded in Ben & Ambers bed and another kerfuffle ensued. Finally when everyone was up around 9:30am, Amber was finally able to tell us that she had 'Burning Hand Syndrome'..... ???.....???...??? Apparently she woke up with burning hands, then mistook a bowl of chemicals for water and made it worse. Why did you have a bowl of chemicals? Well apparently the chemicals were ball-formed and in a pouch that was supposed to be fozen and use to cool shit down. This was what exploded in the bed, causing little chemical filled balls to go everywhere. I asked what she was doing in the bathroom and she explained that she had to kneel on the floor and shake her burning hands in the air above her like some sort of satanic witch-woman performing a crazy ritual sacrifice. Did it help? I asked, no of course it didnt.
Right that's all I have time for...I will endeavour to complete my blog another day, but for now, my jetlag is sucking the life out of me and I have to get some shuteye! x_x