The events which followed the Night of the Burning Hands...
20.03.2014 - 23.03.2014 12 °C
So its the day after the god-awful burning hands fiasco which as you know from my previous blog kinda messed up all of our sleeping patterns...thanks Amber! You bleedin wanker.
Ben actually managed to get to work on time somehow but me and Amber basically stayed in ALL day watching movies, eating subway, and procrastinating about going out and doing all sorts of good. One day merged into the next and I can't really tell you what happened. Not because of the weed. Well....maybe a bit because of the weed, but mostly because of the obscene amount of sleeping that occured as a result of Amber's gay arse stupid burning hands night.
I dont know how many days later it was but Amber and I eventually did the outrageously gay and girly thing : SHOPPING. Only not all handbags and lipgloss and shiny hair and cute pink things....I was introduced to Forever21 which is this awesome cheap clothes shop, anyway it has 4 floors but I only managed 3 floors before freaking out and leaving the store. It was too much. Do you know how much money I would have spent if I'd done the fourth floor!! Anyway so we took a break and went for some Moscow Mules (the best I've ever had) in a cool little cafe and felt pretty perked up after that. Another couple of bars and we met Ben in the Pike brewery where we had some more beers...We were planning on eating at the infamous Crab Pot this night and given the expense thought we would get halfcut beforehand Given that we were eating within the hour, Amber ordered some food at the brewery to warm up. I would say she's a complete fool for having food all the time before meals but it honestly never made any difference. That girl can pack it!
We got to the Crab Pot and there was a 45 minute wait which we spent wisely at the bar By the time our table was ready I knew what I was having. I hadn't travelled to the other side of the world to eat little prawns and miniature corn on the cobs, whoah no, I planned on going all the way with a deluxe seafood banquet. The staff put a plastic tarp over your table and give you a bib, then you select a bucket full of all manner of sea creatures which is then thrown all over your table for you to pick at. Our bucket was $40 each for me and Amber. Ben ordered a fish butty $7. What a cock. I mean seriously...wtf was he thinking. All this glorious seafood (and wine) and he opts for the cheapest crappiest thing on the menu. More fool you Ben! We took some fun pictures ...fun/disgusting, you can decide...got a bit tiddly, but by the time we left, we were far too full to attempt any further drinking and ended up going back home. Going home was interesting once again. Amber and I decided to get into a taxi, however Ben had his bicycle so we decided to race home. Bear in mind it was all uphill, and I'd say about a 1 and a half mile trip, I thought we'd nail it. Anyway so we got in the taxi (another Swahili-man I think) and told him the address and to go fast fast, as fast as you can! At first I could tell he didnt understand what was happening but when Ben went speeding past us at the traffic lights, he soon cottoned on and put his foot right down. He was literally drag racing Ben at this point and we cheered him on as we overtook Ben leaving him for dead. Unfortunately however, when we got outside the apartment building, not only did he overshoot it slighty, he then partook in some unfathomable fannying which caused a delay in us actually exiting the taxi during which time Ben was back and barfing in the bushes. This was the second time I'd witnessed Ben being ill (the first time years ago in India) and it was still funny. He literally fought so hard to get home before us, he couldnt breathe and was puking up. Silly old Ben.
The following day, Amber and I had to go to the university area to return some books or something, and I thought I would go to the museum whilst I was there. We had a mosey around the u-district area and had a burrito, then she went off to work and I fannied about looking for the museum. The tourist brochures made it sound good, great even. The tourist brochures were wrong. It was 2 floors, and about the size of half a football pitch. The displays were ridiculous and even though no signs pointed this out, some of the skeletons clearly weren't to scale. I mean, yes maybe it's obvious that a saber-tooth lion couldnt be the same size as a loaf of bread, but why was it displayed as a 'replica'? Honestly. After I wasted an hour of my time in there, I then spent a further 30mins trying to find a convenience shop. It made me feel lucky to live in a place like the Isle of Man where we have co-ops, spas, whilos, newsbeats and whatnot. Over there...NADA! I actually started to feel ill because I was so dehydrated but I didnt want to go in some faggy pretentious art-cafe. They dont have shops there! I walked for ages in the middle of town, and the only place I could get a bottle of water and a can of coke was from a kebab shop! Stooooopid. Anyway enough of that, I took a bus back to downtown and somehow found myself on the fourth floor of Forever21. I really tried. I tried not to go there but the voices told me to. I wont say what happened up there.
I headed back to the flat and watched some tv and had a little rip and a kip, and woke up at 9pm with Ben looming over me laughing at my feebleness for falling asleep during the day like a stupid old person. He was dragging me out. Well actually we were off to see Amber at work in the Bavarian themed bar where we were also due to play a game of......Oh I forget what it was called. It was like bowls, but better, and with beer. I enjoyed it very much, mostly because I was kicking Ben's butt, but also because I had a bratwurst and that was nice.
We only stayed for a couple of beers then headed home where I crashed again and basically didnt wake up until next morning. LAME.
Amber and I had some epic plans for this 'last' day. Taking this into consideration, I put my finest Iron Man morph suit on and by around 11am (after all the excessive faffing that was now just part of the usual routine) headed out to find Beths....the cafe made famous by that dickhole from Man vs Food. Ok so he's not really a dickhole, he's actually pretty good at the challenges but what a fat bastard. Anyhoo, Amber had never been to Beths before and it was a bit out of town so we messed around on the wrong buses for a spell and eventually got onto the right one. This is where everything started getting a bit weird.
So I'm standing there (as Ironman) talking to Amber, when I notice a guy behind her on the back row is trying to smoke a cigar. I started laughing and told Amber but after a minute, people started getting a bit shifty opening windows etc. He looked pretty handy so although nobody said anythign to him, a guy who looked like Will.I.Am started making his way to the front of the bus (to tell the driver we all assumed). I was describing the cigar thing to Amber but the paper fell away and what I was actually looking at was a crack pipe. I had wondered why he was having difficulty lighting it, and why there was no smokey smell. This guy was smoking crack on our bus. As soon as I realised this, the bus was pulling over, the doors opened and a small and very angry Samuel L Jackson in bus drivers uniform started shouting at the guy to get off the bus. Everyone was silent apart from the crack man who was arguing back and denying smoking. At no point during the entire of this fiasco did I think "SHIT! I AM IRON MAN, I CAN KICK THIS GUYS ASS". I just completely forgot. Next time....
Anyway so this fight broke out and long story short, Amber got shoved through the open doors with the crazy crack-bastard, the doors closed, and we sped off! I started shouting to the driver but he wasnt stopping. And who could blame him. The crack-wielding maniac was actually chasing the bus and smashing his fists into the ass of it. I couldnt see Amber any more and prayed when i got off at the next stop, I could go back and find her (in tact). Some guy was like 'Hey, where you from?!?'....I was like 'err the UK' and he smiled like a doofus and simply said 'Welcome to Amuuurica!'. Cheers buddy.
Anyway after running dressed like a superhero down the highway for 10 blocks, I found Amber thankfully and we laughed it off and found our way to Beths where we were greeted warmly by presumably Beth herself.
We ordered a big bastardly 12 egg veggie omelette. It really was a sight to behold! I mean, check it the fuck out:
We made our way through about half of it then decided to walk it off. I tried to dispense some before leaving and on my return Amber told me the weird guy sitting behind us with his head tattooed in place of hair, waggled his split snake tongue at her. He also challenged me to a fight. Then a stepford wife looking woman told me and Amber we were adorable. SWEEEET.
After a walk in the park, a fake defecation and some duck-chasing, we hopped back on a bus down into town, where we picked up some equally entertaining fancy dress for Amber....a California Raisins outfit. Honestly, my face hurt from laughing when we got back at the end of the day. We met Ben and got on the ferry to Bainbridge island. I was excited. Ben was even more excited and decided to spill not one, but 2 beers on the floor. Right after Amber said 'Dont spill my beer'. He had to have done it on purpose.
Anyway so we got to Bainbridge and Amber realised she had confused it with another island and actually there was nothing to do here. So good job we brought the bong. We did a nice little walk around a nature trail, I peed in the woods, and we had a half hour long debate on whether a stick was in fact a stick, or if it was a lizard. But it was just a stick. Just like it was a duck and not an otter. We had a laugh and got back on the boat and didnt spill any more beer, but we did enjoy a very majestic view of Seattle's skyline all lit up nice and purdy. It was a nice end to the trip. Not the very end though.
After we docked, we took a cab to Annapurna, a Nepalese/Himalayan restaurant. We picked it specifically because of the sentimental side of things - Ben, Amber and I all met in the Himalayas, and here we were, finishing in the Himalayas (downstairs in a pokey restaurant). SYMBOLISM. It was fantastic food and really brought back some amazing memories. But it was about half 10 when we finished. We waddled back to the apartment and I packed my bag. I was to leave at 4am and we planned on going to a gaybar where the men dance in cages suspended over the dancefloor.
I say planned....it didnt happen. We all fell asleep when we got back and I woke up at 3:45am so the goodbye was a swift one and off I went to Tacoma International, now knowing when I would see my awesome yankee-buddies again.....
I didnt have time to dwell on this too much as I had bigger fish to fry. To cut a long story short, I had an awful journey home due to the airline cancelling my original direct flight and rerouting me via Dallas and Philly, throwing in a few delays here and there. The biggest drama was on flight number 2. A man walking down the aisle collapsed right next to me, had a seizure and barfed everywhere. And he was a big fella. And they seriously couldnt move him. I thought he was gonna die. I was actually in tears if I'm honest. It all seems so silly and stupidly typical now considering my other dramas but this one was scary too and I obviously wanted him to be okay. Anyway, thankfully he was and the medics came when we touched down and took him away (to a better place?) and that was that. WHAT NEXT!! Dear lord. I seemed to encounter all manner of misfortune on this trip and it was a miracle I got home okay. But I did, and I'm able to hopefully entertain you with my stories!
So I hope you enjoyed reading this blog. Needless to say there will be more. In fact, I am leaving for a Canarian adventure in June, then and Indian Pilgrimage in October. And both trips I have actually managed to get other people to travel with me! And they know all about my mishaps! Must be mad :-/
Good bye for now readers x