07.08.2014 - 07.08.2014
Well aside from losing €50, leaving behind a purse, and missing our flight home, the trip was a perfect success!
Everything went suspiciously smoothly on the way there – we boarded our flight from the Isle of Man to Manchester and there were no delays or mishaps, we then hung about in Manchester, I had a delicious bloody mary, then we were on the flight to Tenerife. We had the best seats ever. Right opposite the bogs and not even sitting on the same row, we were both squished in next to some delightful passengers. Laura was sat next to 2 morbidly obese, small bladdered alcoholic lesbians and I was next to a morbidly obese Peter Kay lookylikey with a penchant for showing off ALL of his holiday pictures from EVERY holiday of his, EVER. His legs filled up his entire leg space, and half of mine so I spent much of the flight standing in the aisle or perched on the arm rest into the aisle, avoiding Laura’s legs which stretched half way down the plane :P
When we got there, we were the first ones out of the airport (only having hand luggage) and plonked ourselves in a taxi to the hotel which was only around 20 minutes drive away. On our first glance, the hotel seemed really nice with a big pool area and lots of marble surfaces, however on further inspection, it seemed like everyone from Essex (minus those in Marbella) had relocated to this specific hotel; the boys had also shaved the sides of their heads and got their ears pierced, and the girls had all stuck on their best ridiculous clumpy heeled jelly shoes and high waisted pants, and they had all laid their towels on ALL the sunbeds, and retired to the bar to watch the latecomers sit on the floor and struggle to get comfortable. Laura and I managed a quick dip but with literally nowhere to sit, we gave up.
Playa De Las Americas is the armpit of Tenerife for any first timers planning on visiting. Just half an hours walk away you will find Los Cristianos (Lost Crusty Anus) which is still busy but much nicer and less Essexy. We went out for dinner in PDLA in the first restaurant we came across, which ended up being our favourite. I still have no idea what it was called but they did nice paella for me and lasagne for Laura.
So the first proper day was pretty poo weather wise but once we rolled out of bed, we booked all of our trips n crap for the rest of the week and went for a walk around PDLA...It looked great! I mean, if you like balding middleaged fat sunburned brits drinking €1 lager in every direction, and an array of kebab and fish and chip shops to choose from, then great! -.-
Nah, it wasnt that bad at all really 0_o
We went for a walkies around the resort to get our bearings and ended up in a... shop...that sold some....things that may or may not have been legal. After convincing the nice young gentleman shop owner that we werent undercover FBI agents, we made our purchase and left a little smellier than when we went in. We decided to walk to Lost Crusty Anus via the promenade, stopping on a number of occasions so I could ply myself with alcohol. We also stopped in a shop and bought some wooden penises (penii) and some tacky picture frames for Laura then made our way back to the flat for a balcony party. This basically consisted of me and Laura putting on the tunes, slurping a cider and smoking something green and stinky. After having already consumed a number of beers, said stinky green thing went straight to my head and I had to go lie down before I barfed everywhere.
After a little nap (green induced coma) we woke up and headed out for food. People eat late here! Probably because of all the damned siestas during the day. We had some crappy mexican food in a bar where we had been crooned all over by a shit Elvis impersonator the previous night then back to the flat. Roll on day 2!
Second day was Siam park day - that's the waterpark. After purchasing our tickets from a round bellied, scatterbrained sweet little Spaniard, we walk tot he end of the drive to wait for the free bus. There were some women standing next to us with their hair all done up and hairsprayed. That made no sense and I didnt like it. When the bus finally arrived, it was so packed, it just drove right past us so we basically wasted about half an hour of our time. One taxi ride later from a woman driver (EEEsssh) and we arrived at Siam. Strangely the queue wasnt half bad and after getting a cheesy photo taken and stripping off, we went round all the rides...I have to say, it wasn't bad. The wave pool was especially good minus all the overweight over exposed whales in there. By about 3pm though we'd had enough and took a cab into Lost Crusty Anus for some beer and tapas (ham toastie for D) and a stroll back to PDLA.
Crawling back from there, we took shelter from the blistering heat on some dirty steps by a squalid building so some snarky African mamas could braid the crap out of our hair. Serious new found respect for black people with corn roes...those things hurt! Jesus my eyes were watering. I didn't even want to get it done but looking at the childlike look of delight on D -unit's face, I succumbed (succame). Sucked.
Continuing along the promenade with my scalp now stretched and pulled to breaking point, Laura then wanted to stop for a 'unique' fish massage....a few years ago I was in Cambodia where you find these types of fish in the wild and this was the first place I'd seen the so called 'massage' consisting of you putting your filthy feet in a fish tank so the little fuckers eat all the crap off you...since then (that was 5 years ago now), these fish massages have become extremely fashionable and trendy in European culture however they literally are everywhere now And on the verge of becoming common. It's a shame because it is a pretty fun experience as a one off treat me and D sat there with our festering feet in a tepid tank where hungry little fishes gnawed off our dead bits until they were all shiny and new again. A lady then came Along and rubbed a nice cream onto one of my legs, carefully avoiding the other one so as not to be even. Continuing our walk we ambled back to the flat and chilled out there for a bit...
The following day we had an early start so after a chilled night the evening before, we were up and outside the hotel at 8am waiting for our ride. We were off fishing! In a boat! On the sea! a nice Italian lady came to collect us and informed us begrudgingly that we had to also pick up 2 Russians. I started to dear that our trip was about to be ruined however when we boarded the teeny tiny, but extraordinarily well equipped fishing boat, we found 2 other guys there both from the Uk. Phew! Close one! Okay okay so the Russians weren't that bad...I grew accustomed to their patronising glances and laid back arrogance :-P
Laura D quickly stowed herself in the overhead compartment and soon fell asleep. Great, at least I didn't have to worry about keeping her amused... I concentrated on the beautiful views and the somewhat questionable fishing techniques. Boat stops, line goes in, reel back in immediately, 8 tries, no fish no stay! This went on a while, some of the guys were catching crappy boring little pissy fish but I got the best one of the day...I caught....a puffer fish! :-D yay! So cute. I wasn't allowed to touch it though because of poison... Back he went. Laura D was still asleep 4 hours later but I forced her to get up and out to come and watch a flock of wild dolphins playing around the boat. It was magical...one of them even winked (wank?) at me. And we even got to see a whale. What a special day
We later said goodbye to everyone and headed back to the flat for another impromptu balcony party...with cider this time we had a great night out and managed to team up with a group of Essex chaps down the local!
The following (hungover) day, we rolled outta bread, ate some bed then went to see our round bellied jolly little rental man to get the bike from him. As per his usual confused self, he started trying to put us on a bus to go windsurfing. Silly man! He introduced us to the bike, just a little 125 ped to tootle on, and off we went...D was pretty nervous at first and her big ass long legs had nowhere to go so it wasn't hugely comfortable.
After a pretty obscene amount of faffing on and around the motorway, we were on our way up the coast. We only got beeped at 19 times and decided we should probably speed up. I didn't want to use a map as given its only a little island j thought the road signs would be sufficient. But what happens when u have. Sign saying Los Gigantes and it points both north and south? Jesus I thought driving in Asia was bad but this made little sense either! Anyway, we eventually made our way to San Jose or some place, a sleepy little beach/harbour combo town. It was great and we had nice lunch (incl Bloody Mary) and chilled in the beach for a while...later we became sidetracked in one of the best shops I've had the pleasure of being inside. It sold everything from make up to shovels, pants, candles, religious artefacts, bath mats, toys, kitchenware, piercing s. we must have spent an hour in there. Brilliant we left and returned home dropping off the bike and heading to the room for a bit...we would be up early again in the morning for a hike up mt Teide!
Sure enough the next morning we made it up nice n early for Teide and jumped on the guided bus there...after about an hour of fannying aroun the resort picking people up etc, we seemed to be on our way there. As a lover of mountains, I was very excited about Teide and the prospect of climbing to the summit so I was on fantastic form...during our bus tour, it became apparent that our driver had something of an interest in Laura and I, and we were soon the butt of all of his jokes! The hungover lobster-red girls from the Isle of Man is how we came to game on that trip! We soon reached the highest point by road and the view was spectacular, it wasn't cold however I could feel the altitude slightly squeezing at my temples....we were almost first in line at the cable car office however with only 2 cars running, we waited for almost half an hour to get on one. As luck would have it, and the fact that I am involved in this scenario, we were thrown off the cable car due to the weight allowance. In being chucked out, we were then made to wait half an hour for another one! Bastards! Whilst waiting, we made ourselves some 'cable-friends' :-) a couple of like minded crazies from somewhere up north that gave them a Geordieish accent, don't think it was actually Newcastle though. Anyway we had each other in fits in the cable car, especially when D casually, and loudly complained about the stench of everyone's armpits...by the time we reached the top, we unfortunately only had 20 minutes...the tip was so close though...it looked like I could reach out and touch it but judging by the people returning from that last little way, it was going to be tough going...I was insanely disappointed at not being able to climb that last bit, however I have bigger fish to fry..and by that I mean bigger mountains to climb.
Once we were dropped off at the flat and said goodbye to our bus an cable friends, we had ourselves another mini balcony party...we then decided to head to Lost Crusty Anus for drinkyplops. Laura however, being the massive gay that she is, didn't wanna drink so whilst we crawled along the prom with me looking like her drunken irresponsible parent hammering sangria everywhere, we then stopped on a little beach so I could go skinny dipping...the water was great but no fun alone
Continuing on we followed the sound of Latin music into a cool little venue where 3 Cuban ladies were performing a 3 piece band...carrying on with the sangria drinking, I was soon up dancing with them wiggling my butt for a load of strangers until Laura saw fit to take me home! We realised we had one major problem left to deal with before we returned home...we had one more day and night left to get rid of our stinky substance....
The next day we didn't emerge until lunch time and basically bummed around all day doing very little indeed...we had just been swimming and sunning ourselves on a beach when we were waking back home but became sidetracked with a street seller. A little old muchacha selling ashtrays...and smoking the biggest spliff ive ever seen....right there on the prom...under the noses of hundreds of tourists and locals. You should have seen the look on his face when we asked him if he would like to buy something from us! He didn't believe us. So we brought it to him and lets just say we did well!
In celebration I bought 4 giant wooden peni and later on an Indian takeaway ( and Laura a kebab) and had a lazy one in the room.
The next day was our last and with that time we had a lovely last lunch in our favourite place (where a waiter literally tried to stick his tongue in my mouth) followed by a stinky smoke on the hot rocks down by the sea...it was very relaxing and an hour or so later, we were on a bus to the airport.
But the shenanigans didn't stop there, oh no...we flew to Manchester after an hours delay arriving at midnight, got a good nights kip then shopped till we dropped that nex day and got Laura's face pierced twice as well as realising her purse was still in a cupboard in our room in Tenerife. Doh.
Being the kind of easy goin laid back person that I am, I took things a little too slowly and by the time we got to the airport to check our bags in, the nice lady at the counter informed us that we were too late (20mins is enough?!? Right?!?) and could not board the plane. We were then forced to pay £225 between us for new tickets on a later flight which we managed to get on successdully. Fml...